*~Ausatires daily horoscope~*

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

Control Freak, your labile mood, lack of imagination and love of the European cock will continue to haunt your gene pool for many generations of mono-brows to come. Wasn't it your baby that had it's first back-shave at birth?

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

Not that it's really the zodiac's business, but most people take the dead goldfish out of the tank before adding new ones, yes? The same goes for the drowned cats the department of housing weren't able to re-home before a lilady turned them into 7 pairs of fluffy slippers.

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

A quirky misunderstanding, ,misrepresentation on your part will result in your spending every second Sunday speaking sincerely to invisible deities at Hill Song tonguing languages you never thought possible with the belief that it might do you some sort of good to laugh on all 4 sides of your faces whilst attending an Islamic mosque each Sunday before. .

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

Your insistence that no one from Yahoos coffee-lounge could possibly know how you feel right now will only point out how pathetic it is to be dumped by three bearded woman in a bingo parlour on a public message board.

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

The stars don't think it right to bestow you with the mere gift of sunshine, so instead, they decided to rearrange their celestial form, and make you shine out of their black-holes instead.

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

Your new pheromone-based collagen injections have done nothing for excessive perspiration...but if it's any consolation, they will make you irresistible to lesbians on Yahoo , who will devour your, cock, bones, hair, and all.

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

Personal growth looms large in your future, as does that abnormal cluster of cells growing on your brain, which began as a fat nodule which mobilised then travelled to your brain you tub of lard.

....Have another drumstick Lisa.



Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

Your hatred of the disorganised, strange and unfamiliar leads you to open thousands of identical Thai restaurants close to your work, all of which serving your favourite Laksa in the one predictable container.

Is today a red or green tie day....or was that Wednesday?

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

It'll be a such a nuisance wearing Fords Jocks on your facebook all week, but at least you'll find out that your viewer-ship goes up when you're flitting between forums with a red cape on trying to have cybersex with several of borns-Carls handles.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

All things considered, it's a good thing you aren't in the prostitution business for the money.... because if you were to be paid by the hour, you would have been laid-off work by now busily trying to line your uterus with some financially secure guys wallet.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

You're getting to the point where yud kill for a cigarette, despite never having smoked a day in your miserable life just so long as it was preceded with the mere connotation of sex.

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

It appears the nightmare is over for now....but something tells me that you need that dastardly villain in your life, that double edged sword, you use to stir that whopping big cauldron of yours.

you forgot to add the toenail of a troll...*((((POOOOF)))* sooty face!

So what's the scope of horror on Yahsnooze boards today?


To sneeze, or not to sneeze.....it's a tough one....hmmmm


I agree, the IQ is amazing.





They must have flattened their batteries pondering this thought.

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

Control Freak, your labile mood, lack of imagination and love of the European cock will continue to haunt your gene pool for many generations of mono-brows to come. Wasn't it your baby that had it's first back-shave at birth?*****


I will just add, my mother is Aries, and copulated with my mono-browed Portuguese decent father back in 1976...

So don't take this seriously or personally guys, i'm a Leo... though don't mind taking the piss out of myself even.

And no, my back wasn't shaved at birth.... lol

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

Hitler was renowned for his determination, along with his capacity to follow through with plans. However , that melodious tune you whistle whilst nonchalantly sawing off the legs of those who dare stand in your way is kinda creepy, even for a dictator such as Hitler. *squirms*

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

Remember, the sum of pleasure of any two sides of a right-angle is equal to and is the sum of a triangle, which not unlike the Bermuda triangle is cursed, jealousy is being the hypotenuse. Note how your star sign rhymes with 'sore ass' no, this wasn't just a coincidence. Stop being so obtuse.

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

Flip a coin, heads or tails, either way you will always be two faced.

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

You would have thought the mystery guy/gal in your life featuring on "Australia's most wanted" and "Crime Stoppers" would have been enough to deter you from allowing them to babysitting your children. Why are Cancerians so inherently gullible and fanciful..let me guess, already making plans for a gangster themed wedding Bonny?

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

Yes it's true, love bites and is a total mystery at times, but those Victorian semen stains on your underwear probably weren't a clue.

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

Repeated incidents of drunken conduct, public urination and indecent exposure might very well work to your advantage today, presuming you form part of Illawarras social housing district , are at least one-hundredth (1%) aboriginal , own an early model clapped out Ford, and are applying for a job as elder-moderator on Yahcoons message boards.

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

No person should be made to feel like a stranger in their own home. Even if that home has been repossessed by the bank and no longer belongs to you. This doesn't stop you from smashing a basement window and climbing through in the middle of the night. Home is where the heart is afterall.

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

Disappointment will be yours this week when that seductive husky-voiced female caller turns out to be just another overweight Concord Cougar living off fictitious IVF-twins child support cheques attempting to line her barren pre-menopausal uterus with your plentiful seed.

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

Sometimes your parents wished you'd come with an instruction manual, but then, that's the price you pay for second-hand goods right?

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Next Valentines day you will be showered with dozens upon dozens of beautiful red roses , all lovingly arranged around your tombstone.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

A persons circle of friends may be defined by their own character flaws....but don't let this stop you hanging out on the beach with Dennis Ferguson.

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

You'll finally find that special someone you've been searching for, how you dispose of the body once you're done is entirely up to you.


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Disclaimer.........these stars do not in any way reflect any individual posters stars, as I make them up off the top of my head.... and don't know anyone's star signs here, given I am not a profile pervert.


So if you find them offensive in any way... please let me know so I can tailor them to your needs.

Please note: I don't believe in astrology, so they are a crock of shit anyway.

Horoscopes are good fun!